


50 Things Randolph Carter is not supposed to do, ever

by Precipice



Category: Cthulhu Mythos - Fandom, Cthulhu Mythos - H. P. Lovecraft
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-04
Updated: 2012-12-04
Packaged: 2017-11-20 07:06:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/582640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Precipice/pseuds/Precipice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Having a little fun with the Cthulhu Mythos, under the experienced guidance of the most awesome and fantastic of all author avatars ever – Randolph Carter, who gladly supplied this list.</p>
            </blockquote>





	50 Things Randolph Carter is not supposed to do, ever

1\. I'm not allowed to refer to myself as a Time Lord, and the Silver Key is not my TARDIS.  
2\. I'm not allowed to refer to the Great Race of Yith as the Great Race of Time Lords and claim that I'm an honorable member.  
3\. I'm not allowed to include anyone's name in the lunch menu at the cafeteria when we gather for our monthly meetings.  
4\. Even if said person annoys me and everyone else greatly.  
5\. I'm also not allowed to try and bend Rule #3 by writing the name of the person in Aklo so that only the Great Old Ones are able to read it.  
6\. I'm not allowed to refer to the Mi-Go as 'the talkative Fungi from Pluto'.  
7\. I'm not allowed to shout 'the Brain has spoken' whenever Henry Akeley says something.  
8\. Neither am I allowed to ask him whether he keeps his brain and his dentures in the same jar.  
9\. Even if he's being particularly loony.  
10\. I'm not allowed to call dibs on his house on the grounds that he doesn't need it anymore, even if he has probably set up a villa on Pluto by now.  
11\. I'm not allowed to refer to Nyarlathotep as 'Azathoth's willful bitch' just to see Noyes' reaction.  
12\. Because in all probability, Noyes is just another avatar of Nyarlathotep and he'll most likely find a way to screw me over. Again.  
13\. I'm not allowed to refer to Akeley's adventures in space as 'results of his very successful lobotomy'.  
14\. I'm not allowed to recommend said 'lobotomy' to the professors in Miskatonic.  
15\. Even if the Mi-Go offer to pay me handsomely for each fresh brain.  
16\. I'm not allowed to comment on the fact that Ephraim Waite has had carnal relations with his current body while inhabiting the body of his daughter.  
17\. I'm not allowed to comment on the fact that Ephraim Waite was very pretty as a girl and knew how to pick his dresses and handbags.  
18\. I'm not allowed to wonder aloud whether Ephraim Waite married a Deep One for the once-in-a-lifetime chance of having sex with a mermaid.  
19\. In that line of thought, I'm not allowed to suggest that the Deep Ones should start a dating agency.  
20\. I'm not allowed to bring any dish that includes seafood and introduce it to Barnabas Marsh as his long lost cousin.  
21\. I'm not allowed to call Mr and Mrs Marsh 'the Innsmouth take on Romeo and Juliet', even if the story of how they married is rather romantic.  
22\. Calling them 'the Innsmouth take on Edward Cullen and Bella Swan' is even more hurtful and likely to result in Mrs Marsh hitting me with her purse.  
23\. I'm not allowed to call the jewelry worn by female Deep Ones gaudy, even if it is.  
24\. I'm not allowed to refer to Herbert West as 'the Frankenstein wanna-be'.  
25\. I'm not allowed to scream 'Dee Dee, get out of the laboratory!!' every time Herbert West enters the room, as nobody but me cares enough about cartoons and most of my references only earn me (even more) weird stares.  
26\. I'm not allowed to jokingly suggest to Herbert that he should totally use his solution to reenact 'Thriller' for Halloween, as the guy has absolutely no idea of what's appropriate anymore.  
27\. I'm not allowed to mention Wilbur Whateley's 'daddy issues' whenever he gets too arrogant as he's still a sensitive teenager and thus prone to wangsting.  
28\. Even if Mr Armitage agrees with me whole-heartedly that the boy need to be taken down a peg.  
29\. I'm not allowed to call Wilbur a date rapist and then use the 1970 version of 'The Dunwich horror' to back up my accusations.  
30\. I'm also not allowed to show him the 2009 version of his movie, as he'll go catatonic again.  
31\. I'm not allowed to ask Wilbur which one of the many naked drawings of him on various Internet sites is the most accurate.  
32\. Nor am I allowed to insinuate that he actually posed for some of them.  
33\. I'm not allowed to refer to Wilbur as 'the runt of the litter' and say that his father loves his brother more.  
34\. Neither am I allowed to refer to Wilbur as 'the failed Jesus expy' with emphasis on failed.  
35\. I'm not allowed to call the Great Old Ones with the pet names given to them in the 'Unspeakable Vault of Doom' comic strips.  
36\. I'm not allowed to ask if the Hounds of Tindalos have Puppies of Tindalos and whether I can puppy-sit them.  
37\. I'm not allowed to suggest that we should gather and reenact 'Shoggoth on the roof', even if both Herbert and Wilbur have surprisingly decent singing voices.  
38\. I'm not allowed to suggest that we should play 'Call of Cthulhu' as some of us are prone to forget that this is a role-playing game and the consequences of that are always tragic.  
39\. I'm not allowed to expose Y'golonac to fanfiction (ever again), as it only gives him (more) bad ideas.  
40\. I'm not allowed to try and summon any of the Great Old Ones at fan conventions.  
41\. Not even Twilight conventions.  
42\. Even if I believe that Nyarlathotep is somehow involved in that craze.  
43\. I'm not allowed to share my theories of Nyralathotep's plans for world damnation with journalists, because Herbert and Wilbur are already sick of bailing me out of the mental hospital.  
44\. In this line of thought, I'm not allowed to act insulted when my published memoirs end up in the bookstores' fantasy section, as I should have known better.  
45\. I'm not allowed to refer to the Byakhee as 'the space ponies'.  
46\. I'm not allowed to insist that Ithaqua is just 'a type of cuddly Yeti' and insist that he just need a hug as I try to push a person into his 'loving' arms.  
47\. I'm not allowed to advertise Shoggoths as maids and servants to wealthy families, as the slippery buggers are prone to forming unions and going on strikes at the slightest discontent.  
48\. I'm not allowed to refer to Hastur as 'His Xanthous Majesty' as this only strokes his ego.  
49\. I'm not allowed to claim that the Elder Things were 'simply too awesome for this joint', because it annoys their surviving enemies.  
50\. This list can be added to at any time.


End file.
